Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Now What?

I don't know who took this picture, but I just love it. It kind of reminds me of how I feel right now. Kind of bored, kind of aimless, kind of wandering around in the snow at night. There is no snow here, but the winter is starting to get to me. This week has been kind of a rollercoaster, and yet I don't really feel like anything interesting has been happening in my life, if that makes any sense. I'm feeling torn between hibernating in my room and busting out on the town, but I don't know what I really want to do. Part of it is that I just got my final grade for my Master's program! And it's not at all what I thought it would be. I thought it would be higher. Not super high, but higher than that. And yet, I'm not really surprised, because I was under a lot of stress during the research and writing of that paper (having a traumatic move, for one thing) and working full time (I was stressed out about money, and thought I would have plenty of time for research after work). Most of the time of writing it, the last thing I wanted to do was work on that paper, and yet if I could have, I would have spent a whole year on it instead of the five months.

My grade is still great, but not as good as I hoped it would be, so I feel kind of frustrated and impotent and a little despondent at this point. The anticipation waiting for the grade was terrible, and yet good because I could imagine the best case scenario. So to find out that I'm just average is kind of a disappointment. And yet, part of me doesn't really care, because the whole thing is over and done with, and I've learned a lot, which is the important thing. Where do I go next is the question now, and what do I do with myself? Questions are filling me with hope, renewed interest, trepidation, anticipation, nervousness, fear and excitement.

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